Humans are creatures of habit, and habit formation takes discipline - there is no way around that truth. When we begin something new, such as meditation, mindful pauses in our day, graded exposure to new things, we need to focus a lot of brain power on it because it’s unfamiliar and we’re learning a new behaviour.
As we continually practice this new activity, we devote less and less conscious brain activity to it, and it eventually becomes automatic. Research suggests it takes anywhere between 18 to 264 days to form a new habit and for this behaviour to become automatic.
Therefore, you would need to practise HeartMath or meditation, for example, every day for around two months before this behaviour becomes second nature. To make our healthy changes last in the long run, we need to turn these from initial changes based on motivation into habits based on compassionate discipline.
Motivation - Extrinsic and Intrinsic
Intrinsic motivation plays off our internal interests and values. It means we perform these tasks for our own sake and are invested in the process rather than the reward. We see the behaviour itself as its own reward. It involves engaging in behaviour or activity because we find it personally rewarding. Intrinsic motivation is also generally a gift to us. It does not mean the path will be any easier, but we are much more likely to be able to extend patience, compassion, and understanding towards ourselves as we stumble and get back up - because the path we are on has true meaning for us.
Extrinsic motivation occurs when we are motivated to engage in an activity or perform a behaviour to earn a reward or avoid punishment. We’re not choosing to do the activity because we enjoy it or find it rewarding, but rather because we’ll earn something in return or avoid something unpleasant. It can motivate us short term, but longer term will not motivate us in the same way intrinsic motivation does. Shame and judgement especially have been used in religion, in families, in cultures to motivate correct behaviour, but are not good motivators of true change.
It is why all the people I work with that recover, have things they want more of that have deep meaning to them (not materialistic extrinsically motivated success or achievement) - true intrinsic motivators.
I ask people to define things they want (you’ll find this invitation in the How We Heal class and Compassion Based Neuroplasticity class) - so we are aiming them towards more of who they are. This is MUCH healthier, less pressured, and kind - than trying to get rid of symptoms, or have to achieve a destination, or expecting someone else to motivate us without us being part of the process. Finding intrinsic motivators will also uncover any beliefs that block us, fears, parts of us we must encounter and befriend (like our inner victim, or a perfectionist, or people pleaser - that might be in conflict with our deeper wants)
People I work with have unique values, dreams, goals, wishes for themselves that are personal to them, that are the spark plugs for the beginning of growth and change. Then; yes there needs to be a little discipline to be willing to take a baby step over and over. With plenty of space for flexibility, for failure, for shit to happen and we fall off our practice but that we get back to it. Over and over no matter how long it takes - we practice in our daily lives.
I think in fluffy social media therapy that sells people solutions and programs making change sound easy - actually set people up for feeling failure because the truth is that change, growth, healing takes time, flexibility, plenty of space for failure as part of success (not apart from success), and radical self responsibility, because no one is responsible for where our energy and attention goes in our daily lives except us.
Starting small
When starting a new habit, it’s best to set a small goal first to help your brain learn and focus on this new process. In the community we teach approaching this in a kind, non threatening way.
When I say small I really do mean small! Meditate for 3 minutes daily. Walk for two minutes. Do 3 postures of yoga on the floor daily for 2 minutes each and then rest for a minute and let it settle.
This by the way is how I began when I was housebound. It was actually pretty hard to do these small things, but I wanted my life back. So my 7 minutes of yoga, my 2 minute walk, my 3 minutes of guided meditation were all I could do. But I did them daily (as close to daily as possible - my symptoms sometimes just got too high and I was in bed for a day or two). It was amazing actually how quickly I could actually build up when I stayed within my capacity, and had the consistency and ability to self regulate that came from that regularity. As my mindfulness practice gently grew - it also got a lot easier to spot my patterns, alarms, and build better relationship with them.
Combining discipline and intrinsic motivation
The most successful people (people who reach their goals, feel satisfied with life, score highly on mental/physical health metrics) use a combination of discipline and intrinsic motivation.
Discipline will help you form healthy habits; however, we also know that people who exhibit the most self-control enjoy their habits. It appears this is the winning combination.
When deciding which small new habits you would like to implement, it’s essential to think about how you will get enjoyment out of this activity. HSP’s and neurodiverse people especially, you guys cannot force yourself into other people’s ways of being, moving, or working. We have to find a drum beat we enjoy dancing to - and then gain consistency with that.
If your goal is to move more, pick an exercise you enjoy, and then set small goals to build a good routine. 5 minutes is plenty of something low impact like walking, Qi Gong. Yoga, anything you like.
Keep in mind that you will very likely develop intrinsic motivation to exercise, to build new healthy habits more, as you Ido commit to small regular things because it makes you feel good, normalises your brain chemistry, builds confidence.
